The Ex Factor

You're in a new relationship with the man of your dreams.

Things seem to be going reasonably well and it's developing into a serious relationship.

You feel you know him inside out already and you can tell him absolutely anything, no matter how embarrassing.

But when it comes to his past, are you really so sure about what's happened? About the little details that have made him the man he is today?

Childhoods are usually quite similar from man to man. His first football match, the stitches in arm after falling out of a tree.

These ice-breaking conversations or revisited memories throughout your relationship are pretty easy to get to grips with, in shaping him from a boy, to testosterone teen and finally to man.

Once a majority of happy memories from his earlier years have been covered, you seem to know him a little better. His likes and dislikes, heroes and hates.

But the part of his life that shapes him the most (and probably has a strong influence over your relationship) seems to be the nearer past - his past love life.

When (and if) you daringly decide to delve into the mysterious and controversial land of the 'ex', things suddenly seem to become more clouded than the open memories of his early years he shared with you.

It's unknown territory for us women, and it needs to be opened with care and consideration.

But how do you find out important details about his relationship with past girlfriends or notches in the bedpost without seeming nosey - or even paranoid?

When we do finally pluck up the courage to ask the simplistic question - "So why did things end?" we're usually greeted with the huge brick wall, "Oh, it's a long story" or even worse - "It's complicated".

This turns up this history heat, as us being women, naturally want to know all the juicy details.

Did you fall out of love? Did she leave you? Did you leave her? Did she develop a third nipple?

This then creates even more of a dilemma for us.

If a man opens up about his ex and pours his heart out, we become worried that he's still slightly in love with her. But if he tenses up and gives nothing away, we become suspicious that he was to blame for the bitter end.

When (and once again, if) we finally get a clear answer after much nagging and sifting, not only does this precious information give us that bit of closure on his last relationship and show us why he is how he is today, it also warns us what to steer clear from.

By knowing the bad parts of his relationship with his ex, we learn how to make our relationship with him stronger, avoiding all the bad traits and learning to become the perfect, ideal girlfriend he never had previously.

What he doesn't realise is that our nosiness is really a way to become the best girlfriend in the world, and treat him with all the love he deserves.

All he seems to want to know is how many men we've slept with. Easy, done in one go.

But if you've frolicked with half the men in town, and their brother - best to keep quiet..

In the style of Cosmopolitan/More

Dye-ing to be White

More and more Asian women feel it necessary to go to extreme lengths to have lighter skin. But what’s the real reasoning behind their desire to be white?

Skin whitening has become a huge business, with it worth around £100 million in India alone. New products are constantly being trialed and tested with several already on the market, such as creams, gels, sunscreen, soaps, pills and in extreme cases – laser surgery and injections. All these products give the promise of lighter skin within a few sessions of treatment.

With the western society being obsessed with the best fake tans and paying for minutes to sizzle on sun beds, we’re funding a multi million pound fake tan industry in order to achieve a year-round tan. Therefore we find it hard to understand why women naturally gifted with darker (tanned looking) skin would want to then lighten it. But who exactly is it buying these controversial methods of skin lightening?

Krishna Wetherall, a Muslim aged 19, says ‘one of my aunties has experimented with creams, one being Lighernex. It didn’t make much difference, but she said it stung a little’. Krishna also tried lightening creams, but again didn’t see a dramatic difference in her skin tone. However, she already considers herself as a lighter-skinned Asian woman.

But why are Asian women finding the need to use skin-whitening treatments?

87% of individual users (also including some black women) claim their usage is down to uneven skin tone, otherwise known as ‘hyper pigmentation’.

But Asian women in particular put their use of the treatments down to wanting to be whiter. With expectations in some Asian cultures being extremely high, women feel they would be more successful if they had lighter skin.

‘It’s not essential, but it can be important in our culture to have light skin. It can contribute to the success in important areas in your life, like love and marriage’, says Krishna.

So would any dark skinned Asian woman be less attractive? Would it be harder to find love if she possesses a dark tan?

‘In arranged marriages most families want a bride that’s fair-skinned. If the girl is dark, it’s much more difficult to find a husband.’ Explains Krishna. ‘But our culture is slowly becoming more westernized and arranged marriages are less popular. This means I could choose my own partner if my parents allowed me to and he could be a light or dark skinned Asian. But of course, a light skinned, Asian, Muslim would be preferred. And I’m more attracted to lighter-skinned men.’

It seems that to have lighter skin is perceived to be more attractive because of the status it gives these women. It’s a way of impressing family, friends and potential new partners and a sign of ‘good breeding’. But in this modern society, do these women still carry the burden of history around with them through their skin? In the 17^th century porcelain white skin was extremely fashionable. Japanese Geisha girls also considered white skin to be a symbol of beauty.

In the history of Asian women, having lighter skin showed their social status as being high and gave evidence of their wealth. This showed that they could afford to stay indoors whilst the poorer women would have to go outside to work, therefore gaining dark tans. And still, 4 centuries on, these prejudices still exist within certain Asian communities, and even families.

‘During the summer I don’t like going out in the sun too much because I’d go really dark. My family would probably make a few comments about it, like ‘oh dear, aren’t you dark!’ but they wouldn’t be hurtful about it. It still sticks in your mind though’ says Krishna.

But with all the usage of creams, soaps and other such products, do the women who buy them know exactly what ingredients are used in them? Are they always completely safe?

‘I would never use skin whitening injections’. Says Krishna. ‘but I know a lot of dark skinned people who would. Creams take a lot of time and effort to use, injections would be quicker to achieve a lighter look.’

According to Skin Dermatology expert and qualified beauty therapist, Laura Sanderson (I.T E.C), women aren’t always aware of the dangers in using skin-whitening products.

‘The products can be very acidic as effectively; you are bleaching your skin. Skin isn’t made to be whitened; in fact it is made the opposite way. It is constructed in such a way that is constantly produces Melanin as a form of defense against sunlight and by bleaching it, women are going against the skin’s natural cell make up.’ She explains.

However, people will go against advice and use whitening products, due to feeling self-conscious or unhappy in the skin they’re in. So if a woman is thinking of using skin-whitening products, there are a few issues to keep in mind.

Laura says, ‘When buying skin whitening products always read the label and consult your GP so that they can check the product. NEVER buy anything that contains the ingredients Hydroquinone, Mercury or Steroids, as they can be extremely dangerous. Before using any cream, soap or sunscreen, always do a patch test behind the ear incase you have an allergic reaction.’ She also goes into the dangers of injections. ‘With whitening injections, NEVER buy them online and do it yourself. These chemicals are injected straight into your bloodstream. If an ingredient is illegal or dangerous, the outcome could be lethal.’ Laura also adds, ‘It is also worth noting that many skin lightening products claim to whiten the skin within 7 days – this is physically impossible. Most of the photos on the adverts for such products have been airbrushed and digitally enhanced to present the light complexion on the model. A skin-whitening product would have to be used as an ongoing treatment permanently. The skin is constantly renewing itself and its melanin.’

If these products are temperamental when it comes to safety, then why are they still being sold?

It’s simply because, it’s a huge moneymaker and the demand is still there.

Websites that give information about skin-whitening injections alone have been found to receive 11 million hits every month. The industry is estimated to be worth around an extortionate £36.75 billion by 2015, due to new markets in the West and Asia-Pacific.

Many Asian magazines and websites mention skin whitening.

Asiana magazine has a feature on skin lightening and why Asian women use the creams, but they don’t cover the dangers or interviews with people who use the products. It also is full of images of light-skinned – almost porcelain- Asian women, almost all undoubtedly wearing heaving make up and are Photoshop enhanced.

Similarly, Asian Woman magazine also included a skin-whitening article in one of their issues, and still contains hundreds of images of light-skinned women.

It’s not just women who also aspire to change the colour of their skin.

Probably the most controversial and worldwide famous person to experiment with the colour of their skin was Michael Jackson. The star was said to have begun skin bleaching around the mid 80’s to appear more European. After developing several skin diseases, he then also wore heavy make up (almost white in colour) to even out his skin tone, making him look extremely pale.

Close friends and family claimed his hidden reasoning behind his body mutilation was down to his childhood. With his Father constantly telling him how dark he was and how ‘unattractive’ he was to look that way, this torment tortured him and the image he saw in the mirror. This therefore contributed to his excessive whitening and bleaching in order to disguise his former self.

Men and women who also use skin whitening or bleaching products could feel in a similar position to Jackson, especially younger men and women being told by family and parents that they would be ‘unmarried’ if they continued to let themselves darken, or ignored the fact that they were slightly a bit darker than expected.

One third of skin lightening cream users are now said to be men.

Bollywood actor, Shahrukh Khan, also desires and models the fair skin look. Being involved in an advert for ‘Fair and Handsome’ lightening cream for men, he is seen to come across a sad-faced, dark skinned, Asian man in the commercial, and tells him that if uses the lightening cream, he’ll get the girl he wants. The cream was launched in 2005 after the great success of lightening cream for women – ‘Fair and Lovely’,

created by the top selling brand of whitening and beauty products – Emami.

With so many light-skinned Asian women within the media, from magazines, to adverts, to Bollywood films, it is clear why some younger Asian women may feel the need to conform to this desired look. Just as the longing to having tanned skin is desired by the western society, the desire to be lighter is what these young Asian women aspire to.

Whether it’s because they’ve been told they’re too dark all their life, or down to skin imperfections, women or men who use the lightening methods all have reasoning for their use. For them, skin whitening is just as simple and quick as putting on a moisturizer each morning. However, there are now people who go to the extremity of using cosmetic procedures to get their desired look. Just as women use surgery to enhance parts of their body they feel unhappy with, skin whitening through surgery can give the same feelings once the procedure is complete.

Could these feelings of unhappiness in their skin be due to BDD (Body Dimorphic Disorder), or simply down to their own and their families beliefs and expectations?

Either way, skin lightening is now a way of life for some Asian men and women, and they’re expected to appear the lightest they can in order to (in their eyes) lead a happy and successful life.

Although racism may still exist, the topic of skin lightening within different Asian communities can cause bullying and unhappiness for younger people.

Compared to 40+ years ago, the Western world now accepts people of different ethnicities, and so we look at this topic with disbelief at the fact that people of the same culture and ethnicity seem to pick and bully each other over the sensitive issue of skin colour.

Men and women of colour should embrace their skin, whether they be dark or light and focus on people themselves rather than what is on the outside.

With beliefs slowly becoming westernized, possibly in a few years, skin whitening will be a thing of the past; and with the harmful effects the products have on the skin, hopefully the diminishing will be sooner rather than later.

Names have been changed to protect identities.

Written in the style of Glamour magazine